Disappearing Act

So I kinda just disappeared there for a bit hey?

Well it's been a very interesting couple of weeks anyway.

My parents showed up on April 7th and we all started waiting (im)patiently for the little bugger to make his arrival. And of course he has a stubborn streak so he kept us waiting. But my dads threats about chasing me with the truck to get my labor going were starting to sound like he actually would. So I took matters into my own hands and insisted that I be induced. Immediately.

Things were all set to go for wednesday morning.

However Tuesday night my dad and husband decided they were going to go rock picking up the mountain. Drunk. About an hour later they came back looking sheepish. I knew something was up immediately. Turns out they went up somewhere they shouldn't have and had to slide down the hill on their asses. Well my dad slid funny and would up barrell rolling down the hill and somehow sliced the palm of his hand. Deep. Deep enough that it didn't hurt. Might've also had something to do with the whiskey.

So we load into the truck to head to the hospital. While we are waiting my dad is 'exploring' his hand to see just how bad it is. He grossed out the nurse and one doctor, that's how bad it was. Anyway, they had to call in extra nurses because of how busy it was and the surgeon to stitch his hand.

Then the doctor who is supposed to be doing my induction the next day pulls me aside to tell me that I may get bumped because they will be short staffed the next day because of how busy it was. In other words because of my dad. Boy was I mad.

Anyway the next morning rolls around and thankfully the still attempt the induction. I am inserted with a cervadil strip, and it hurt because the Dr. has short fingers. So I get strapped up to the monitor and have to wait for an hour before I can go.

Before I can leave they inform me that I am to come back in if my contractions become regular or my water breaks. If not, then the next morning they will start me on the pitocin drip. So I'm off to spend a night in agony with contractions not quite regular and no water breaking. I go in the next day expecting to be admitted only to learn that one of the surgeons has gone out of town so there is no c-section back up (or epidural) so they cannot continue with the induction.

Cue very mad angry pregnant woman.

So after hours of fucking around I finally convince the Dr. on call that I will be having this baby if I have to cut him out myself. So I am sent to another hospital about an hour away. Which is fine by me. Just get him out.

Off we head to EKRH on friday morning (couldn't go in on thursday because he was already inducing 3 other women. Which sounded promising to me) to be there at 8 am.

I am now settled into my room which is nothing more than a glorified closet because I am not officially in labour so I get the assessment room. In walks my new Dr. Now I should point out that I had a female Dr my whole pregnancy and had been quite set on a female dr. But I guess if you are desperate it doesn't matter anymore.

The guy is gorgeous. At least 6'5" tall, blonde hair blue eyes, south african accent. Giant hands. Even hubby is eyeing him up. It's obvious he doesn't want this man looking at my hooha.

He sits down to go over everything with me and flat out tells me there is no way I have gestational diabetes. Good to know. So i go over all my medical history with him and tell him about some problems I had been having. So he looks at myswelling and immediately orders some tests to be run. He informs me that my Dr is an idiot and that this is a high risk pregnancy because of my heart condition and that with the severity of my swelling he believes that i may have pre-eclampsia. Which I suspected for a while, but my Dr. didn't seem worried.

Test come back to show that my liver is shutting down. I was right. IT was pre-eclampsia not just an over indulgence of food that had me looking like a whale.

Anyway, another go of cervadil to see if that gets us anywhere. That night the contractions were so bad that I had to have a shot of morphine to get some sleep that night. Adam slept right through the pain I was in. I was rubbing my own back it hurt so much. I wanted to smother him. And shots in the ass hurt really badly, btw.

Next morning Dr Hottie walks in and next thing I know, there is a gush of fluid and eeeewww! He broke my water. No warning at all. He says alright, lets get you moved into another room and we'll start the pitocin drip shortly. Out he walks. I am a bit surprised, things are now moving very quickly and I want my mommy. Adam gets on the cell and calls them at the house. I tell them to hurry the fuck up and get here.

The contractions are ridiculously strong and I cant even talk through them. Adam is putting so much counter pressure on my back he's complaining that his hands hurt. Which nearly gets him killed. I am holding off on the epidural until my mom gets there and I swear they are taking their sweet ass time about it.

My nurse for the day is a sadistic bitch and I hate her with every fiber of my being. When its finally time for the epidural the guy asks if I can sit up or just roll onto my side so he can insert the needle. Bitchface says to him 'oh she can get up, she just doesn't like to' and proceeds to reef me upright. On the wrong side of the bed so I have to move twice. Through killer contractions. And then she kept trying to move me during my contractions to arch my spine. And she wasn't doing it right either so after being forcibly held in an uncomfortable position through three contractions the anesthesiologist informs her that my back isn't curved out enough. So I give my mom a look and she brushes the nurse away and helps me do it properly.

Two hours pass and I LOVE the epidural man. Dr. Hottie comes in checks that it's time to push. He informs me that I have one hour to get him out or its c-section for me because they are worried about my heart, and also now his heart rate has started to drop through the contractions. Down into the 60's and I'm starting to get really worried.

AFter some time of pushing and not a whole lot of progress my mom is like "come on Cindy that was a good one! I can see his head! PUSH PUSH!" The Doctor looks at her and says "Don't lie to her you can not." And I giggle a little inside my head because she got busted lying.

Time is running out on the clock and I'm being told that he is going to use the vaccuum to try and help. He gets it attached and uses it through one push. Not a whole lot of progress after that and I hear him telling the nurses to bump a surgery because I am going to be heading in pretty quickly. Now at this point I should tell you that I can feel everything going on down below and I am not happy. Two good pushes later and out comes his head. Without the help of the vaccuum ( I caught him off guard) and he's telling me not to push for a minute (Adam later tells me his cord was around his neck) and then out he comes.

Dr. Hottie plops him on my chest and I'll be perfectly honest here when I tell you I was thinking eeew! he's slimy and bloody get him off me. But I held him like a good mommy. The cord was cut and they took him away to clean him up and I could tell Adam was torn between staying with me and seeing his son. So I sent him to go look at his son while I got stitched. It was so bad that the doctor wouldn't tell me how many stitches I got. My mom counted about 10. But as I mentioned before, the epidural had worn off so I was very vocal about wanting something now to make me not feel this please. But even with a local anesthetic I could still feel it. Adam takes this point in time to joke with the doctor "So I'll see you in 9 months" the doctor looks at him and is like "come on give your wife a break. 10 months" And I want to kick them both in the head.

Tristan Adam

7lbs 60z

20 inches tall

36 centimeter head thank you very much.

adam said after watching labor I could name him whatever the hell I wanted. Haha I got my way.

His Apgar scores were 9 and 10. I surprised dr. hottie by knowing what that was.

Finally

No, not the baby. I'm still pregnant. I think I will be forever. At least it feels that way. What I mean is that our house is finally done being renovated and is now on the market. We had our first showing today.

It apparently went awesomely. They want to know how soon of a posession date is possible. And we have two more viewings scheduled for Friday and Saturday. Hopefully we wind up with a bidding war. That would rock.

Ummm, what else... mymom ordered me my crib. Wont get it until July. Thats right 4 months from now. Great. I ordered my stroller and car seat. Wont get it until April 14th. So I have no idea how we'lll get him home from the hospital without one. (we won't) No, I'm not stressed at all. I've only been waking up with migraines every morning because I have been sleeping with my teeth clenched. But stress? Nah. I've got none of that.

Except the fact that today my son tried to scare the fuck out of me by refusing to move at all, all day. Despite the fact I ate super amounts of sugar trying to wake him up (great for the gestational diabetes). SO I went to the Dr to get checked out, and his heart rate is fine (slower than normal for him but still good). I go for a non-stress test at the hospital tomorrow. Hopefully everything checks out, but my Dr didnt seem too worried.

My mom says its a sign that hes going to be coming soon. I'm not sure how I feel about that. BECAUSE I AM NOT READY FOR IT. But at the same time I am.

Nothing else new at this point so... I will keep you all posted.

also THIS JUST IN WE HAVE AN OFFER ON THE HOUSE!

Fine then

Alright, so I 've finally given in and taken some pictures of me. These were taken at 36 weeks 3 days. Today. My head is not pictured because I look like crap today. Yes, my mirror is dirty. No, I don't care.

The little bugger gets bigger and bigger every single day. I cannot wait for him to come out. Only, yes I can because I am so not ready for him to come yet. I have for him so far a swing, a tub, clothes and...roughly that's it. My mom has said she was ordering me a crib, but I have yet to see it. So if he is born anytime soon he will be sleeping in his swing.

So Sarah, this post is for you. Bribe me and ye shall receive. Sears is also fine, yes there is one here and actually I registered there. I was promised a shower by someone here and she never actually came through even though she told every one that she was going to do it. So I made a registry for nothing. Or for my benefit I guess. Whatever.

Enjoy the pictures. Don't laugh too hard. And if you do, don't tell me.


My poor poor tattoo. It didn't know what it was in for. You can also see that my belly button is popped. Pretty.

An open letter

To the old man in the purple car with veterans licence plates;

Dear sir,
Thank you for everything you sacrificed in going to war for our country. It is very much appreciated and I mean that. From the bottom of my heart.

However, it is generally not accepted practice to pull out onto a highway in front of a car going highway speed, and not having looked. I really thought it was fun to have to swerve into the ditch to avoid hitting you since you were aimed at my side of the car.

You should consider yourself very lucky that I am 8 MONTHS pregnant, otherwise I would have destroyed your car (and mine for that matter) and not have cared at all about how much that would scare the crap out of you.

You are also very lucky to have not pulled over and stopped at all before I turned to go to my Dr's appoinment, otherwise I would've got out of the car and reamed you a new one. And with my temper lately, you wouldn't have wanted that. I can be one scary bitch. Ask my husband.

I also really enjoyed that since my horn doesn't work, you didn't even know that you nearly killed a pregnant woman. Didn't even know I was there. So, thank you.

Asshole.

*****************************
I used to be very lenient towards old people keeping their licences. Especially those who put their lives at risk in the war to protect our country. Veterans had a special place in my heart and I felt we should give them a little leeway.

I can stand the slow driving, lack of signal use, and occasional lane weaving. However when they pull out across a lane of traffic onto a highway in front of a car going 100km/hr and never even notice, there are some steps that need to be taken against your right to hold a driver's licence.

Just because you risked your life many many years ago, does not mean you now have the right to risk my life and that of my unborn child. And everyone else on the road for that matter.

*****************************
PS As you can tell, I made it back from Jamaica without incident, and am still incubating this little parasite.

PSS As you can also probably tell, I am so done being pregnant at this point. His eviction notice has been served.

Jamaica, Mon!

I leave for Jamaica tomorrow!!! Okay well I actually leave for Calgary tomorrow and then fly out on Sunday, but whatever.

I am nervous about how my animals will take being in a kennel as they've never done that before. I am also worried because we already started to pack up the house a bit and that freaked them out pretty good, so I hope they don't think they've been abandoned.

I suppose I'll get over it though.

Anyway, I am not happy about the way the alterations to my bridesmaid dress turned out. It looks like a tent. Seriously. Adam saw it and asked why Marie picked such ugly dresses. I had to tell him that it wasn't the dress's fault. It was his. He didn't like that very much, and informed me that I was there too. Whatever, plausible deniability. I can claim I dont remember. He REALLY didn't like that.

So I should get back to packing and such. Just wanted to let you all know I won't be posting for a week. Not that that is all that out of the ordinary for me these days. Everyone have a good week and wish me luck that I dont go into labor.

End of an Era

So, I've broken down and finally done it.

I'm kinda upset about it though. Adam thinks it's funny, and had been bugging me to do it for a while now.

I've taken out my belly ring.

Well to be perfectly honest, the decision was made for me.

By the screen door. I was opening it to go inside and it got caught on the handle and ripped out. Didn't rip the hole, but broke the ring in half and scratched a big line across my stomach. It looks really pretty.

And Fuck, did it hurt. I damn near dropped to my knees on the deck. I must've scared the crap out of Adam because he came running to see why I screamed. I think he thought I was in labor.

Which at this point I would be so ready for. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. I do not think I can last another 6 weeks and 4 days. Although, I will ask that he stay in there for at least another three weeks, so I can go to Jamaica. That would be very much appreciated from him. (Did you hear that baby? Stay put for 18 more days, at least.)

Holy crap, we leave for Jamaica in 10 days. I cannot believe that. I'm excited, but not at the same time. Hard to explain...

But that's a whole other post.

Happy Valentine's Day

So it's Valentines day and I'm here all alone because Hubby is away at work and won't be home until tomorrow. But yesterday he bought me a dozen roses, a box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates and a giant card. So I guess I can't really complain too much.

Anyway on a completely unrelated subject, I failed my glucose Tolerance test on Friday, so there is a good chance I have gestational diabetes. I only failed by .2 , so not by much. They like to see under 7.8 and I got 8. Oh well, now I get to go see a dietician.

The test itself wasn't that bad. They make you drink a drink that is essentially orange drink like from Mc Donalds but with EXTRA sugar. And then you aren't allowed to walk around for an hour and then they take your blood. We got bored in the waiting room just sitting there, and we wanted to take a look around the maternity ward. So hubby went and got a wheelchair and pushed me around the hospital. Our maternity tour lasted all of 5 minutes and there was like three rooms. All were empty. and so was the nursery. Which is kinda funny because I was worried about maybe having to get a private room, but seriously. I will probably be the only person in the whole ward.

Thats all I know for now, so I've got to go paint some things so we can put our house up for sale. Because we are moving. Again. Yay! This was the thing I wasn't allowed to talk about before because nothing was for sure at that point.

Insomnia

You know how when you are soooo tired and you lay down and ... then you just lay there. For hours on end staring at the ceiling, watching the minutes tick by on the clock. I have been doing that for at least the last week and a half. Never fail, all night. Maybe getting like 2 hours of sleep.

Well finally I slept great last night. I modified my leg pillow situation. I had been using one pillow between my legs (to keep my hips even) and that just wasn't cutting it anymore. I now sleep with two pillows, big pillows between my knees.

It was HEAVEN! I swear to you, I have never been so grateful to wake up in the morning. Well rested. Now I have no excuse to get out of doing housework. Dammit. Oh well, I guess I'd better go do those dishes that have been in the sink now for like 3 days.

Hopefully I will be able to sleep again tonight, cause now that I know it can be accomplished I can't go back to sleep deprivation. I just can't.

And it's a...

Baby!!!

Haha, aren't I funny? Okay, but in all seriousness, it's a beautiful baby BOY!

He wouldn't cooperate for a 3d picture of his bits, but we got a regular one to show the hubby. No he couldn't come because I didn't want to subject the dogs to another 12hours of driving in a day. (I only came down for the day, it was a very quick trip. To the appointment and then home)

Needless to say hubby was very VERY excited to learn that 'he' was having a boy. He thinks he's the man because two of his brothers have kids and they both had girls.

Baby is currently about 3lbs and 2ozs and the utlrasound tech was predicting an 8lb baby. OUCH!! Come on, seriously I was a 6lb baby. Why does my little man have to be so big?

Baby is also very active and wouldn't stop moving through the whole ultrasound. He kept reaching for his feet and at one point had his big toe in his nose. His mouth was constantly open (taking after daddy already) and he even gave us the finger (also like daddy).

Now to talk him out of naming the baby Junior. And I wish I was kidding. Now I need to go lay down, I seem to have been infected with this flu that's going around (yay, thanks hubby)

Best Day Ever...

Oh, right sarcasm doesnt print very well.

So you know how I was in Saskatchewan for a month? I was there that long waiting for my dad to fix my car. I loved it. Custom paint color and everything. Made to look like it was a Z24, when it was simply a cavalier.

Can anyone guess where this is going?


That's right everyone, my car was in an accident last night. Well, I guess I was too. I hit a fucking deer. In town. Going 10km under the speed limit even. Although in the interest of full disclosure, the bastard ran into me. Drivers fender. It looks really pretty now.

I have had my car back for 9 days. My dad has had it for over a year, and seriously not even two weeks back, it gets wrecked. Can you fucking believe my luck?

Seriously though, I blame my dad. This is because he called me every day to see if I'd wrecked my car yet. He jinxed it. Even he thinks so. At least they didn't tell my brothers yet, cause I don't think I would be able to handle the harassing.

The part that really had me crying is that just yesterday I had made an appointment in Calgary at a 4d ultrasound place and wasn't sure I would still be able to go. I've decided I'm still going. Cause if I didn't take that appointment they wouldn't be able to get me in until the end of February. And that just wasn't cool with me.

Can you guys imagine how the phone call with my dad went last night? Hi dad, guess what? I just fucking wrecked my damn car! How does this make you feel? Honestly though, I was too chicken shit to talk directly to him so I told my mom. Apparently he had to go lay down and cuddle his dog and tell him his problems.

PS Sarah, my parents have another dog now, my dad found a puppy the day I left. So Parker has a new little brother (rolls eyes). Another dog hitting the fucking jackpot in life.

Happy New Year!

Okay, so I'm a little late, but better late than never right?

I have been back home now for about a week and a half, so yes I've been being lazy. I was back in Saskatchewan for almost a month, and am a little glad to be home. Needless to say Hubby is happy for me to be home. He literally lost five pounds while I was gone. And was feeding the poor cat dog food cause he ran out of cat food. The cat was REALLY happy to see me.

My family spoiled the shit out of me for christmas. I have more maternity clothes than most people have regular clothes. It's great to fit comfortably into clothes. I definitely look pregnant now, and am having a hard time not bumping into people with my belly. My mom kept saying that my baby was going to be born with brain defects if I keep banging into things with it.

My little brother kept telling me that my baby was going to be born hard boiled because I sat in the hot tub a couple of times. Dont worry I was careful to not let myself get too hot. And I had my Dr's okay as long as I was careful.

My mother-in law tried to kill me. Literally. Okay maybe it wasnt on purpose, but the best I can say is MAYBE. We went there one night for dinner and she fed us seafood. That was all she made, and I wasn't going to ask her to make anything else since we dont really get along. So to tide me over until we could get back to my parents house, I ate a few pieces. Then later on she mentioned that some of the pieces had been cooked a week earlier and she simply heated them up. Uh-oh. Not only was I eating seafood, but leftover seafood. I was fine for about a day after, minus the swollen feet. But the day after that, christmas, I was so sick. I couldnt eat anything all day and was swollen everywhere. And I had not swelled up at all prior to this (or after btw), so I was a little worried. And then the puking came. Hubby simply rolled over and pretended to be asleep (thank you very much), so I went to sleep in another room so as not to disturb him because he had to drive back home the next day. I have never puked that much my entire life. Ever. I was so sick I couldnt keep water down. I was so thirsty and all I could do was suck on a freezie. I kept half of it down. But eventually I got better. Although I had a tendency to cough till I puke. Which was fun. So yay, thanks for trying to kill me Janet. You almost succeeded.

Anyway, I'm really glad to be home. I promise I will try to get back into posting regularly.

Merry Christmas!

Well this will be my final post for the year. I am leaving tomorrow for Saskatchewan and probably wont be back until the new year.

I finally had to remove my belly ring. It was starting to catch on everything and was infected because of that. Eeew, I know. I was very reluctant to have it taken out. It has been a part of me since I was 15 years old. Almost ten years. I plan on putting in a gold hoop once I get home, but until then I feel naked. Stripped. When I look at my stomach it really doesnt look like mine now. Another part of me I never really was expecting to change. Or for it to bother me so much. I expected to be one of those lucky girls who can wear their belly rings until the end. It was a lofty hope I guess. I hope it doesnt close up on me cause I know I will never get it pierced again. Too much of a sissy.

I have some strech marks forming on one side of my love hamdles. Just one side, thanks for the symmetry. My mom never got any strech marks at all. She had four kids, so I guess I was also hoping to take after her instead of her sisters for once in my life. An even loftier hope you could say. But a hope none the less. One that has been shattered already. I knew that this pregnancy would change my body. I just dont think I ever really stopped to think how I would take it. I guess I just assumed it would come easily as just a fact of life. I never thought about how I would take the just looking fat stage (which I am still in thank you). It affects you more than you'd think. It bothers me when you can see women passing judgment on you when they look at you and see only a fat woman. A slob. They think 'that would never be me; how could she let herself look like that; she should be going to the gym' and it makes me want to scream at them "dont judge me I'm pregnant." I dont want them to think mean things about me. But I know they are. I have been that woman. I know better now. It doesn't feel good. And it makes me ashamed for all those years I was the overly judgmental bitch. Forgive me.

Anyhow, this post has gotten quite sappy and oh poor me. So I will say this Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my (what like 5?) readers and I will see you all next year once I have been spoiled rotten by my family. What? Isn't that what christmas is about? No? Oh well. Too bad.

So So Very Sick

Hi all!

I am sick. Which will come as no surprise to anyone because seriously, I am always sick. If anyone even thinks that they are sick and come near me, I will get whatever they think they have. It's really a fascinating phenomenon. For everyone but me.

My husband, the bastard, never EVER gets sick. We were discussing this the other day. He figured that since I was pregnant with his child, said child would maybe be so kind as to help mommy get better quicker.

I laughed.

And then I had to explain to him that his child is a tiny little parasite, sucking any and all available vitamins and minerals and nutrients from me. Leaving only the smallest amount of said goodness left to keep me alive. And just barely.

I have no voice. Well, that's not entirely true. You know how people who have a scratchy throat say that they have a frog in their throat? I have a frog, only she is a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking whore who stays up all night partying in the most smoke filled bars she can find.

I've obviously put alot of thought into this.

I've been drinking so much water to keep my thraot hydrated that yesterday when I started coughing uncontrollably, I threw up water all over the living room floor. I just know you all wanted to hear that. Then I had to clean it up by myself because there is no mommy nearby for me to cry to and make clean my puke. Thankfully it was pure water, but still.

Anyway, I seem to be going through a hot flash right now and need to get off the computer to go stand outside so I will stop sweating. Seriously, I joke with my husband that this isn't a baby inside me, somehow he must've managed to implant a boiler in there.

There is a Reason

I promise. For why I haven't been posting as much lately (I figured I'd best elaborate on that first sentence, in case you can't read my mind)

However I cannot get into it just yet. I know that if I try to allude to things going on I will wind up spilling the beans on it, and then get myself in trouble with the Mister. No it has nothing to do with the baby, everythings fine that way.

So for now you guys will just have to settle with this inane post comprising of all the things I have been meaning to turn into real posts, but am much too lazy for all of that.

Here goes.

1. The bitch is gone. We sent her home on Monday. Damage incurred? Every carpet in our house needing to be scrubbed and steamed to within an inch of its life because we werent told she wasnt housebroken. (thank you very much) Seriously she pooped in the house 3 times one day. Once right after I brought her back in from the yard. Damn near killed her. And? She dug up our spare mattress. Covered with giant holes. That was an especially nice surprise. This was not worth it at all since we have no idea wether or not they ever actually figured out how to do it, and if there are puppies from this we are taking the profits from half the litter. So yes Heather, if we do have a litter from this we will make sure you get a black male.

2. I just about hit an elk with my moms truck. Because drunk Adam was pointing in front of me to look at the elk in the field off to the side. Thank you, I think I'll just look at the ones on the highway. I almost had to stop and compose myself because shit, elk are huge and I would've wiped out the front end of a truck I cannot afford.

3. We got our christmas tree. We went into the bush and chopped it down. (by we I mean he, because I sat in the truck and pointed at the trees I wanted him to knock the snow off of so i could see if they were fluffy enough, then laughed as snow landed on his head. And then watched as he dragged it back to the truck. Without offering to help)

4. When you are playing charades with 20 or so drunk women and you are the only sober one, you will kick ass. They will start to get mad at you, and cover your eyes when your teammates are up.

5. Charades isn't nearly as much fun when sober.

6. I am down to one pair of prepregnancy jeans. Although I think they are magic jeans because they are all I have been able to fit into for almost a month. And I have done all my expanding in the last month(in my ASS thank you very much). But it sucks having to wash them every two days and have to wear sweat clothes while they are being washed. If you've ever seen my closet you will understand how it pains me to only have one pair of pants. Dont even get me started on shirts and how they are all now belly shirts, and how much that makes me cringe when I have to leave the house.

7. Adams christmas party is tomorrow night. It's formal-ish. He doesnt understand that if I have nothing to wear we will NOT be going. He also doesn't understand that "just look for something in your closet, there has to be something in there" isn't really an option when you have a basketball inflating inside you.

8. I haven't even started to shop for christmas yet. We were planning on doing it all tomorrow.

9. My stomach sticks out way more when I am tired. When I'm not (tired) and standing up straight (which I rarely do), you almost can't tell that I am five months (and 4 days) pregnant. (so I guess technically I can say I am in my sixth month of pregnancy)(although you will notice that there are no pictures on here so nobody can bust my bubble and say HOLY COW you're big!)(also there are no pictures being taken of me, sooo therefore none to post)

10. I am literally losing my mind here with nothing to do, nowhere to go and seriously no friends. Adam is my only source of entertainment. And as entertaining as he is, he still starts to get on my nerves. That is not a good thing for any involved. Although I guess if I am so bored you'd think I'd post on my blog more often.

Wow, I guess this is the most I've posted on here in a very long time. Yay for me.

I have a confession

So this is kind of embarrassing, and I dont think any of you will feel the same way about me after I tell you this. Which I guess is why I've waited so long to bring it up.

I watched this season of the Bachelor.

This was the first time I have ever watched it, please forgive me. But...

He was a Prince dammit, and there was a girl on it who lives only an hour away from here. And Ok, she was sent home fairly early on. But by that point I was addicted.

The socialite was a bit of a trainwreck, and I loved every minute of it. And I also couldnt wait for Lorenzo to realize what a scheming bag Lisa was.

When it came down to Sadie (the virgin (who I wanted to win more than anything)) and Jennifer (the woman whose father threatened Lorenzo with his guns) I thought for sure he was gonna pick Sadie.

But apparently I was wrong.

And I was very pissed off. Maybe to the point that I threw the remote at the tv. Its a good thing I have bad aim, and only hit the wall. Cause boy, would I have been in trouble.

You can all commence bugging me for watching that mindless drivel. But really, what else is there to watch on Monday nights?

Dinner Conversation*

"Did you fart?"

"No."

"Can you smell that, it smells horrible"

"Yeah, its my breath."

"Are you serious?" (takes big breath as he breathes out)

GAG!

"Oh my god that is your breath, whats wrong with you?"

"It's this buffalo burger. It tastes gross, but I'll eat it!"

A few seconds later the waitress comes over to see if everything is ok. We are still laughing uncontrollably.

*seriously, word for word. you can't make this shit up.

Basic Instinct

I always used to think that certain characteristics about animals were just instinct. Like marking their territory, showing dominance/submission, loyalty and mating.

Jenny? Does all of those things (okay so she has it a little confused and thinks she is the one to do the humping, but whatever)(and to be perfectly honest I think its hilarious when she humps the boy dogs).

Caesar on the other hand seems to be missing a few instinctual abilities. Unfortunately it is not the marking his territory one. He wanders the yard to all his marking places every day. However in case you were wondering (and I know you are) he seems to have the inability to figure out how to mate. This is a problem because we have a female dobermann staying with us (yeah, I'm real happy about that) who happens to currently be in heat (since we've been waiting like 6mos for it to happen) (so we can neuter caesar, because men have issues about neutering virgin male dogs). And this all seems to have been for nothing because seriously, he is too stupid to figure out what to do.

The closest he's got was dry humping the air near her head. (I just know you all wanted to hear that) She walks around pushing her hooha in his face and he licks her butt. Which annoys her to no end.

And good god are dogs in heat ever annoying. Seriously why couldn't we have just took Caesar to her. Would've made my life alot easier. Jenny's too.

So if any of you out there have any tips to making a stupid male dog figure out what to do, that would be much appreciated. But for now, I'm getting ready to go for my massage. I need to get out of the house.

Happy Birthday to ME

Yeah, great. So far it has been downright wonderful.

Oh, right, I guess sarcasm doesnt transfer very well into writing.

So far I have been woken up at the crack of dawn by my two wonderful dogs barking their heads off at absofuckinglutely nothing. Only to not be able to fall back asleep.

Then my wonderful husband gets home from work. And promptly starts smoking in the house. Absofuckinglutely wonderful. Not only am I pregnant, but I am also allergic to smoke. He thinks that I can't smell it. So then he thinks that that makes it perfectly acceptable to do whatever the fuck he wants.

Then the fucker goes outside while I am still trying to sleep and starts his skidoo. So in my perfectly reasonable state of mind, I amble downstairs in my underwear and lock him out of the house. It was only for a couple minutes. But it felt good. Dammit.

When I finally let him back in we had a rip snorting fight across the living room. While I was still in my underwear. I felt a little silly, but wasnt about to back down. Our poor dogs were cowering together on the couch. Not that I felt that sorry for them for waking me up at 5am. I told him to fuck the fuck off and go for a skidoo ride. So I went and took a shower only to find out that I am out of conditioner. My wonderful husband with his short hair used it all. And put the empty container back in the shower and never said a word. (I have a couple words for him)

Anyway, today doesnt even feel like my birthday. Wonderful man went out and bought my birthday present yesterday ( I told him if he was planning on buying me anything hed better have bought it before the day of my birthday for once) and promptly had to give it to me because he has no self control. I got a gift certificate for a hot stone massage, and two pillows. That he tried to keep for himself.

But at least my brothers called to say happy birthday. Still havent heard from my sister or my parents. However my mom wont call until 5:35 tonight,cause its technically when I will be older.

I wonder, does this mean that I have to change my profile? Ah, fuck it. I'll get to it later.

Dirty Dirty Mind

Question: Grandma's are usually wrinkled and drooping...




Sarah: BOOBS!!!!

Ummm no. You pervert.

Happy **th Birthday Sarah!

Hope you have a great day, even if you are stuck working.


*For bonus points here are the rest of the clues: You stick your appendage inside of me; when I'm old, I'm too stretched out to be useful.*

Don't give away the answer to them Sarah.

**Yes Sarah, I posted this the night before. I wanted it to be up when you checked, and lets be honest, I am not a morning person to get up and post before you look. Also you're an hour ahead of me. And you get up like 6 hours before me.**

At least have a birthday drink to celebrate. Even if you won't go to the bar, have one at home. And have one for me too, I will be joining you at **years old in a short week's time.

Haha, you're older than me! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

11 Things I WIsh I Knew Beforehand

1. Pregnancy is 40 weeks. So 4 weeks a month into 40 is 10 MONTHS PEOPLE! Why does society insist on perpetuating the myth that you are only pregnant for 9 months? (Ok, well in the interest of full disclosure they count in the 40 weeks two weeks when you arent actually pregnant. But seriously? If there is any rounding off being done, why not round up?)

2. People really think its ok to come up and touch your stomach. Why? We dont rub anyone elses stomach why force us to endure that too?

3. You will not feel pregnant for a very long time, so when you notice your pants NO LONGER FIT you will not be happy. And it will equate to you feel fat.

4. Pregnant glow? Not a glow. It is caused by the overproduction of oil on your face, also the reason for all those zits. And on your chest too.

5. Among all other things you have to endure, your nose will be stuffy all the time, and your vision will go too. Also nobody tells you that Vicks Vaporub will contribute to chest zits.

6. Pregnant dreams are not fun dreams all the time. You will torture yourself with dreams of miscarriage, labour with all the pain and no baby, and not knowing your babies sex even after you've had it and people will ask you while you are carrying your baby and you tell them you dont know and still dont think to look. OR violent dreams of murder and vampires (the last one was last night) I am not sure which are worse.

7. Sex dreams.

8. Insomnia. You would think that nature would be nice and let you sleep now. Sure you're tired all the time. Good luck sleeping at night. Your mind goes BOING! and then you are awake and it races until about 3 am. That's how you can tell mother nature must really be a bitch, cause shortly you will be sleep deprived for the rest of your life and yet now, your last chance at good sleep, and you can't. (Some would argue I am all stocked up on it, but whatever.)

9. You will read all the books only to learn that you will most likely poop on the table. In front of people. After all the humiliating things you have to endure now you're telling me I will poop in front of everyone? Thanks alot.

10. Don't ask a pregnant woman how many months she is. She doesn't know. If you pressure her she will tell you in weeks and days. If she tells you in months, she's obviously just guessing. And also rounding up. For instance I am 18weeks 3days. If you want months I will tell you I am 5 months. When really I am in my fifth month. You will not understand this until you are pregnant.

11. You among all other things, will become a clutz. Yesterday I walked into a wire display at the grocery store. Only to be laughed at. You can guess by who. He's not very smart.

Well that's all I can think of right now (pregnant brain) even though I know last night while not sleeping, I had though of more. Feel free to add yours to the comments section.