Tuesday, November 07, 2006

11 Things I WIsh I Knew Beforehand

1. Pregnancy is 40 weeks. So 4 weeks a month into 40 is 10 MONTHS PEOPLE! Why does society insist on perpetuating the myth that you are only pregnant for 9 months? (Ok, well in the interest of full disclosure they count in the 40 weeks two weeks when you arent actually pregnant. But seriously? If there is any rounding off being done, why not round up?)

2. People really think its ok to come up and touch your stomach. Why? We dont rub anyone elses stomach why force us to endure that too?

3. You will not feel pregnant for a very long time, so when you notice your pants NO LONGER FIT you will not be happy. And it will equate to you feel fat.

4. Pregnant glow? Not a glow. It is caused by the overproduction of oil on your face, also the reason for all those zits. And on your chest too.

5. Among all other things you have to endure, your nose will be stuffy all the time, and your vision will go too. Also nobody tells you that Vicks Vaporub will contribute to chest zits.

6. Pregnant dreams are not fun dreams all the time. You will torture yourself with dreams of miscarriage, labour with all the pain and no baby, and not knowing your babies sex even after you've had it and people will ask you while you are carrying your baby and you tell them you dont know and still dont think to look. OR violent dreams of murder and vampires (the last one was last night) I am not sure which are worse.

7. Sex dreams.

8. Insomnia. You would think that nature would be nice and let you sleep now. Sure you're tired all the time. Good luck sleeping at night. Your mind goes BOING! and then you are awake and it races until about 3 am. That's how you can tell mother nature must really be a bitch, cause shortly you will be sleep deprived for the rest of your life and yet now, your last chance at good sleep, and you can't. (Some would argue I am all stocked up on it, but whatever.)

9. You will read all the books only to learn that you will most likely poop on the table. In front of people. After all the humiliating things you have to endure now you're telling me I will poop in front of everyone? Thanks alot.

10. Don't ask a pregnant woman how many months she is. She doesn't know. If you pressure her she will tell you in weeks and days. If she tells you in months, she's obviously just guessing. And also rounding up. For instance I am 18weeks 3days. If you want months I will tell you I am 5 months. When really I am in my fifth month. You will not understand this until you are pregnant.

11. You among all other things, will become a clutz. Yesterday I walked into a wire display at the grocery store. Only to be laughed at. You can guess by who. He's not very smart.

Well that's all I can think of right now (pregnant brain) even though I know last night while not sleeping, I had though of more. Feel free to add yours to the comments section.

2 comments:

  1. No one told me I would be absolutely STARVING but only able to eat a very small portion of the giant meal I made because my stomach is now squished to half of it's normal size!

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  2. I'm sooooo worried that I may poo during my delivery!!! Beautiful experience my ass! Poo, blood, goop, placenta...ew.

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