Thursday, November 30, 2006

I have a confession

So this is kind of embarrassing, and I dont think any of you will feel the same way about me after I tell you this. Which I guess is why I've waited so long to bring it up.

I watched this season of the Bachelor.

This was the first time I have ever watched it, please forgive me. But...

He was a Prince dammit, and there was a girl on it who lives only an hour away from here. And Ok, she was sent home fairly early on. But by that point I was addicted.

The socialite was a bit of a trainwreck, and I loved every minute of it. And I also couldnt wait for Lorenzo to realize what a scheming bag Lisa was.

When it came down to Sadie (the virgin (who I wanted to win more than anything)) and Jennifer (the woman whose father threatened Lorenzo with his guns) I thought for sure he was gonna pick Sadie.

But apparently I was wrong.

And I was very pissed off. Maybe to the point that I threw the remote at the tv. Its a good thing I have bad aim, and only hit the wall. Cause boy, would I have been in trouble.

You can all commence bugging me for watching that mindless drivel. But really, what else is there to watch on Monday nights?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Dinner Conversation*

"Did you fart?"


"Can you smell that, it smells horrible"

"Yeah, its my breath."

"Are you serious?" (takes big breath as he breathes out)


"Oh my god that is your breath, whats wrong with you?"

"It's this buffalo burger. It tastes gross, but I'll eat it!"

A few seconds later the waitress comes over to see if everything is ok. We are still laughing uncontrollably.

*seriously, word for word. you can't make this shit up.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Basic Instinct

I always used to think that certain characteristics about animals were just instinct. Like marking their territory, showing dominance/submission, loyalty and mating.

Jenny? Does all of those things (okay so she has it a little confused and thinks she is the one to do the humping, but whatever)(and to be perfectly honest I think its hilarious when she humps the boy dogs).

Caesar on the other hand seems to be missing a few instinctual abilities. Unfortunately it is not the marking his territory one. He wanders the yard to all his marking places every day. However in case you were wondering (and I know you are) he seems to have the inability to figure out how to mate. This is a problem because we have a female dobermann staying with us (yeah, I'm real happy about that) who happens to currently be in heat (since we've been waiting like 6mos for it to happen) (so we can neuter caesar, because men have issues about neutering virgin male dogs). And this all seems to have been for nothing because seriously, he is too stupid to figure out what to do.

The closest he's got was dry humping the air near her head. (I just know you all wanted to hear that) She walks around pushing her hooha in his face and he licks her butt. Which annoys her to no end.

And good god are dogs in heat ever annoying. Seriously why couldn't we have just took Caesar to her. Would've made my life alot easier. Jenny's too.

So if any of you out there have any tips to making a stupid male dog figure out what to do, that would be much appreciated. But for now, I'm getting ready to go for my massage. I need to get out of the house.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Happy Birthday to ME

Yeah, great. So far it has been downright wonderful.

Oh, right, I guess sarcasm doesnt transfer very well into writing.

So far I have been woken up at the crack of dawn by my two wonderful dogs barking their heads off at absofuckinglutely nothing. Only to not be able to fall back asleep.

Then my wonderful husband gets home from work. And promptly starts smoking in the house. Absofuckinglutely wonderful. Not only am I pregnant, but I am also allergic to smoke. He thinks that I can't smell it. So then he thinks that that makes it perfectly acceptable to do whatever the fuck he wants.

Then the fucker goes outside while I am still trying to sleep and starts his skidoo. So in my perfectly reasonable state of mind, I amble downstairs in my underwear and lock him out of the house. It was only for a couple minutes. But it felt good. Dammit.

When I finally let him back in we had a rip snorting fight across the living room. While I was still in my underwear. I felt a little silly, but wasnt about to back down. Our poor dogs were cowering together on the couch. Not that I felt that sorry for them for waking me up at 5am. I told him to fuck the fuck off and go for a skidoo ride. So I went and took a shower only to find out that I am out of conditioner. My wonderful husband with his short hair used it all. And put the empty container back in the shower and never said a word. (I have a couple words for him)

Anyway, today doesnt even feel like my birthday. Wonderful man went out and bought my birthday present yesterday ( I told him if he was planning on buying me anything hed better have bought it before the day of my birthday for once) and promptly had to give it to me because he has no self control. I got a gift certificate for a hot stone massage, and two pillows. That he tried to keep for himself.

But at least my brothers called to say happy birthday. Still havent heard from my sister or my parents. However my mom wont call until 5:35 tonight,cause its technically when I will be older.

I wonder, does this mean that I have to change my profile? Ah, fuck it. I'll get to it later.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Dirty Dirty Mind

Question: Grandma's are usually wrinkled and drooping...

Sarah: BOOBS!!!!

Ummm no. You pervert.

Happy **th Birthday Sarah!

Hope you have a great day, even if you are stuck working.

*For bonus points here are the rest of the clues: You stick your appendage inside of me; when I'm old, I'm too stretched out to be useful.*

Don't give away the answer to them Sarah.

**Yes Sarah, I posted this the night before. I wanted it to be up when you checked, and lets be honest, I am not a morning person to get up and post before you look. Also you're an hour ahead of me. And you get up like 6 hours before me.**

At least have a birthday drink to celebrate. Even if you won't go to the bar, have one at home. And have one for me too, I will be joining you at **years old in a short week's time.

Haha, you're older than me! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

11 Things I WIsh I Knew Beforehand

1. Pregnancy is 40 weeks. So 4 weeks a month into 40 is 10 MONTHS PEOPLE! Why does society insist on perpetuating the myth that you are only pregnant for 9 months? (Ok, well in the interest of full disclosure they count in the 40 weeks two weeks when you arent actually pregnant. But seriously? If there is any rounding off being done, why not round up?)

2. People really think its ok to come up and touch your stomach. Why? We dont rub anyone elses stomach why force us to endure that too?

3. You will not feel pregnant for a very long time, so when you notice your pants NO LONGER FIT you will not be happy. And it will equate to you feel fat.

4. Pregnant glow? Not a glow. It is caused by the overproduction of oil on your face, also the reason for all those zits. And on your chest too.

5. Among all other things you have to endure, your nose will be stuffy all the time, and your vision will go too. Also nobody tells you that Vicks Vaporub will contribute to chest zits.

6. Pregnant dreams are not fun dreams all the time. You will torture yourself with dreams of miscarriage, labour with all the pain and no baby, and not knowing your babies sex even after you've had it and people will ask you while you are carrying your baby and you tell them you dont know and still dont think to look. OR violent dreams of murder and vampires (the last one was last night) I am not sure which are worse.

7. Sex dreams.

8. Insomnia. You would think that nature would be nice and let you sleep now. Sure you're tired all the time. Good luck sleeping at night. Your mind goes BOING! and then you are awake and it races until about 3 am. That's how you can tell mother nature must really be a bitch, cause shortly you will be sleep deprived for the rest of your life and yet now, your last chance at good sleep, and you can't. (Some would argue I am all stocked up on it, but whatever.)

9. You will read all the books only to learn that you will most likely poop on the table. In front of people. After all the humiliating things you have to endure now you're telling me I will poop in front of everyone? Thanks alot.

10. Don't ask a pregnant woman how many months she is. She doesn't know. If you pressure her she will tell you in weeks and days. If she tells you in months, she's obviously just guessing. And also rounding up. For instance I am 18weeks 3days. If you want months I will tell you I am 5 months. When really I am in my fifth month. You will not understand this until you are pregnant.

11. You among all other things, will become a clutz. Yesterday I walked into a wire display at the grocery store. Only to be laughed at. You can guess by who. He's not very smart.

Well that's all I can think of right now (pregnant brain) even though I know last night while not sleeping, I had though of more. Feel free to add yours to the comments section.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Meh! Posted by Picasa It looked better in person, I'm not very photogenic, and the satiny fabric makes my stomach look bigger than it is. And I'm not just saying that. However on the plus side, holy boobs!

Finally! Posted by Picasa Those are radishes for eyes and fake blood for the mouth, the nose of course is carrott. However the last two days it has rained all day, so there is nothing left of our poor snowman. And Caesar peed on him to add the final insult to injury.