Wednesday, March 22, 2006

So Anyway

So this guy was in my work bothering me and asking why my sister was getting married in Jamaica. So I decided to freak him out and actually tell him why. It's because the planning and execution of my wedding went so horribly wrong that she wanted to escape from the pressure.(and seriously it's jamaica does she need a reason?) Would you like to know everything that went wrong? I will tell you point form because alot of shit went wrong. Also there will be a second list of all the things that my lovely mother in law decided to do/cause to go wrong. There are even more of those.

- The landscapers delayed coming to do the yard until like 2 weeks before the wedding. We laid turf the DAY OF the wedding.
- My aunt (who was supposed to do my hair) decided last minute not to come. Didn't tell me until 2 days before. Nice.
- The justice of the peace couldn't say my name correctly. It's Cynthia not Cythinia. How hard is that?
- My sister refused to let me pee before walking out because "we don't have time it's going to rain any second now" (I held it for 5 hours)
-A storm rolled in a half hour before the wedding. It rained and the Saskatchewan wind blew like crazy for the whole ceremony. It quit as soon as the ceremony was over.
- the wind blew over the arch we stood under just as the JP said I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- I just about fell down the stairs as I came out. Thankfully nobody but me and my dad noticed (my dress got caught in the railing)
- Because of the rain my hair went flat.
- During the reception one of the groomsmen took off to get high. We had to delay the speeches.
- My parents were so exhausted from everything(trying not to piss Adam's mom off, finishing the inside of their house and landscaping) they never really got to enjoy anything. My dad was so exhausted he literally collapsed at home that night.
- my husbands brother's now wife was calling me fat ugly bitch. (she denies this)
-someone crashed the wedding and tried to steal my veil
-between my dad, cousin and brothers giving away so many drink tickets we lost money on the toonie bar. Consequently they were all very drunk
- The hotel we booked at fucked up our reservation and had it for the night before and that night. So when we didn't show up the first night they gave the honeymoon suite away. They had no more rooms.
- There were no other rooms at any hotel except the crackhouse hotel. We stayed there, because I was not sharing a room on my wedding night with 5 other people. (all of my cousins were there)

Now for the things that happened courtesy of the mother in law from hell. Seriously the woman is seven levels of crazy. (sorry Adam, but it's true) And she HATES ME. And my family.
- She was upset that other people (my parents) knew before her we were engaged so,
- she refused to help with a guest list, then bitched when some random friend of hers wasn't invited.
- was VERY upset I never invited her to help me pick my dress.(I'm sorry I have my own mother)
- refused to make the bouquets for the parents and grandparents(it was beneath her)
-told someone that she felt she shouldn't have to pay for anything because my parents are rich enough why should she have to (so I never put her name on the invitations, and she never paid for anything)
-told my sister that she would help with the wedding shower then never did anything, and never even showed up
-the night before our wedding she told us "she doesn't understand how I make her son happy" and "most marriages don't make it to 10 years, so don't expect yours to" hmm she would know (married 3 times)
-got extremely intoxicated the morning of the wedding
-refused to smile in any picture I was in.
- she wore black as a statement.
- refused to be in the hall for our entrance and instead smoked outside and yelled and berated everyone she talked to the whole night.
-was trashing my family to EVERYONE she talked to. even my relatives
-pitched a fit to her own sister because heaven forbid she was talking to my parents.
-refused to do the welcome to the family speech. So I got her ex husband to.
-refused to let her sister and her family sit in the family section
-made Adam late for our first dance because she was yelling at him because..
-there were no pictures of his biological father (whom he met when he was 19) because she wouldn't give my sister any for the slideshow she made
-made my dad late for our dance because she was yelling
-called my mom a whore to my dad (which is funny considering...)
-called my sister a spoiled fucking bitch to my sisters boyfriend
-tried to fight my sister
-in turn I tried to get to her but noone would let me, apparently the bride should refrain from fist fighting. Who knew?
-threw a chair at a pregnant lady
-overturned tables, broke vases, and wrecked my cards from people
-punched her neice in the face and stomach
-threatened to kill her sister
-Adam told her very loudly to leave she told him to shut the fuck up even louder
-Her nephew escorted her out in a headlock
And once she was outside she threw her beer bottle at someone's car for good measure. We never heard from her for months, and she is still waiting for an apology from us about the way she was treated.

After hearing all this the guy looked at me and said "WOW! That would make a good book." To which I replied "Yeah but nobody would believe that this all actually happened." "Yeah you're probably right." he says.

However the people I talk to who were there say "the only thing that really matters is that you got married." And "you looked beautiful, and smiled the whole day." I now look at it this way: at least I will have an interesting story to tell for the rest of my life. However at the time if I had seen her I probably would've kicked the shit out of her. She'll be waiting for that apology for the rest of her life.

DISCLAIMER: this is technically not a picture of Adam on my blog because you cannot see his face. Not that he reads this anyway. So he says.

Also last December she got married to Adam's biological father. We weren't invited. I wonder if she was afraid of something? Revenge maybe? Because I sooo would've lowered myself for that.


  1. Holy I made my mom read the bits about the mother-in-law. Exactly like my Grandma on their wedding, but not as, bitchy, or chaotic. Haha. It was more of the "I wanted to go dress shopping.." Type shit..
    Was it that guy Roland, or whatever the fuck his name is that is always there? Hes sorta, weird. Haha
    But Im off.

  2. I actually heard that rain during the ceremony is suppose to signify a long lasting relationship or something cracked like that.
    I'll probably hit vegas!

  3. Yeah I kept hearing cracked shit like that right after. People got huge glares cause seriously what bride is happy that it rained on her day? None. But really, Marie was more upset than me. I was smiling and she was crying cause she DID NOT PLAN FOR RAIN. It was also the first time in 8 years that it had rained on that day(I looked)

  4. Holy hell. Any of my minor bitches about wedding day challenges (one of the bridesmaids was late, the solo musician for the wedding procession music had his instrument stolen that morning, the nnay that we hired to watch guests' children got drunk) pale in comparison.

    But it is true that what matters is that you. got. married.

    Awesome picture, BTW.

  5. Tootsie5:26 PM

    WOW! Was Adam's mom REALLY that bad??? YIKES! Heck, we all had headed back to the house before she had done this - I had heard the stories from Peggy and your Mom, but WOW! Through it all tho... I think it was a fun wedding... coulda been worse.. like Zander and Jackie's... me and dad were HOPING something crazy was going to happen (you know.. just to make it FUNNY memorable too..) so I sorta got drunk, I dont think anyone really cared tho...

  6. Tootsie5:28 PM

    PS.. dont tell Zander and Jackie I said that... ahem!

  7. Um, I think you have a book in this one posting. Seriously. It is fascinating...You should write a short story about it! (Of course, changing the names...ha ha)

  8. Well, apparently, and I hate to admit this but it is true, I do not deal well with bodily fluids, even if it is my own kid...

  9. also, you should do a book on in-laws. Everyoone has stories on in-laws. I could definitely help you out in that department.