Wednesday, July 29, 2009

And then I died.

I almost died at work the other night. I'm not even kidding y'all. It was some seriously scary shit. Probably the most scared I have ever been in my entire life.

So I'm out at the Dam in the middle of the fucking wilderness on top of a mountain checking on things, as per my job. I got out to the location earlier than usual, at around 9pm, it was still light out, sorta twilight. I thought to myself that maybe I would get out and look around, take in the scenery overlooking town. Sounds like a good idea right?

Can you tell where this is going?

So I'm out of the truck, about 10 ft away from it, checking to make sure everything is secure when I turn around to look out at the view. Not 40ft away stands the BIGGEST black bear I have ever seen in my entire life. I froze.

My brain was like body what do i do?

Legs- Frozen in spot.

Arms- clenched in terror. throw something maybe???

Brain- your hands are empty. Try again.

Eyes- cry???

Brain- Does this look like a fucking man to you? Your tears will just be like salting yourself for him. And before mouth pipes in, screaming will only anger him, make him want to eat you to shut you up. Try again.

Nervous system- sweat? shake in fear? will that help?

Brain- No, you guys you're not helpi...

Bladder- PEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I can do that for you?

Brain-NOBODY ASKED YOU BLADDER, THAT WILL NOT HELP ANYTHING!!! Now come on body we've got to do something.

Survival instinct- (rolls its eyes) Well you fucking idiot, maybe you should run!


So I did, and I lived, obviously. But man was I scared. I sat in the truck and watched him watch me for a few minutes, then walk away. Obviously wondering what the fuck was up with that crazy bitch in the truck freaking out.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Men, go figure...

So as a security guard/first aid attendant in my new job at a big metallurgical smelter, I come into contact with alot of men.

Some of these men are cute. Not very many mind you, but a few.

And because I am a security guard, we have alot of contact with the men who work in the gold/silver refinery part. Now here's where the story takes a turn for the funny.

There is a guy on my shift who is one of the cute ones in silver/gold. He is cute. For a blonde haired blue eyed guy. (I'm into tall dark and handsome. I married dark and handsome) He is also a body builder type. Like HUGE. Like every muscle tightly defined and toned. All hot and sweaty... (drool) anyway.

So this guy knows Husband. Like they've hung out together. Not very often, but enough to know that I'm married to him.

As soon as I started working there, he was volunteering for strip searches. Like jokingly at first, but he kept volunteering. It was kinda funny, especially since I can't do the searches cause I'm a girl. Obviously. Anyway, when I would go in there for my work he would always try and have conversations with me and was always making snide little backhanded comments about Husband. Always funny though, not like he was really serious about anything.

Harmless flirting that means nothing to either of us. I would never cheat. Ever.

So the other night, I came in to pick up the silver sample and he walks up to me all shyly, and whispers "I burned my hand" and holds it out to me for sympathy. I look (cause I'm a first aid attendant, I should pretend that I'm worried for him) and seriously, no mark. Maybe a teeny tiny little red mark. Nothing that this hulk of a man should be whining about. But here we are. So I poke at it a little to look like I'm concerned, and tell him he'll be fine. He says "will it blister?" all concerned like. I ask when it happened and and then tell him if it hasnt blistered yet, it won't. But still he's being a whiner and he asks if he should go to fire hall where the first aid room is. I laugh and tell him that if I think hes being a baby, they will outright laugh at him. So then he asks me in this little baby voice if I could get him an ice pack for his hand. All the while the other guys are saying how they should burn themsleves so I can come nurse them back to health. Making a big joke out of it, confirming my suspicion that he only said anything because he wanted attention from me.

So I went and got him an ice pack from the ambulance and brought it to him, he was all grateful and still whiny that it hurt so I just laughed at him ( I think I might not be a very good first aid attendant :( ) and told him to take it easy with his hand for the night.

Anyway, the next day I told Hubby that Hot guy was hitting on me. I was fully expecting him to be mad at me, and at Hot guy. All I got for a response was "I bet that makes you fell pretty good hey?" I'm floored, like "What did you just say???" And he's all, I know I feel good about myself when women hit on me, so it must do the same for you. Well, yes, but that's the response you give me? I'm disappointed, where's the jealousy, the rage, the posessiveness, the stay away from my wife stuff?

He looks me in the eye and says and I fucking quote "So I get in his face and tell him to back off and stop talking to my wife and he'd flick me away like a fly. Not easy to be intimidating when the other guy could anhilate you!"

Ah, honesty... I guess this means he trusts me.