Wednesday, July 29, 2009

And then I died.

I almost died at work the other night. I'm not even kidding y'all. It was some seriously scary shit. Probably the most scared I have ever been in my entire life.

So I'm out at the Dam in the middle of the fucking wilderness on top of a mountain checking on things, as per my job. I got out to the location earlier than usual, at around 9pm, it was still light out, sorta twilight. I thought to myself that maybe I would get out and look around, take in the scenery overlooking town. Sounds like a good idea right?

Can you tell where this is going?

So I'm out of the truck, about 10 ft away from it, checking to make sure everything is secure when I turn around to look out at the view. Not 40ft away stands the BIGGEST black bear I have ever seen in my entire life. I froze.

My brain was like body what do i do?

Legs- Frozen in spot.

Arms- clenched in terror. throw something maybe???

Brain- your hands are empty. Try again.

Eyes- cry???

Brain- Does this look like a fucking man to you? Your tears will just be like salting yourself for him. And before mouth pipes in, screaming will only anger him, make him want to eat you to shut you up. Try again.

Nervous system- sweat? shake in fear? will that help?

Brain- No, you guys you're not helpi...

Bladder- PEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I can do that for you?

Brain-NOBODY ASKED YOU BLADDER, THAT WILL NOT HELP ANYTHING!!! Now come on body we've got to do something.

Survival instinct- (rolls its eyes) Well you fucking idiot, maybe you should run!

Whole body- OMFG YES RUN TO THE TRUCK!!!


So I did, and I lived, obviously. But man was I scared. I sat in the truck and watched him watch me for a few minutes, then walk away. Obviously wondering what the fuck was up with that crazy bitch in the truck freaking out.

2 comments:

  1. what the hell is your job that you're alone checking things out in the middle of nowhere at 9pm???

    seriously, i don't know what i would have done. i think the two things i've heard about escaping bears are both bullshit...you know...pretending to be dead and/or trying to make yourself look as big as possible and make lots of noise.

    happy you're still around to blog!

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  2. Anonymous10:45 AM

    BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! WINER! lol
    Jk...I probabley would have freaked out too. Way to do security and be a big pantie!! ;)
    That's ok, I'm glad it didn't eat you. Maybe you should keep a big stick in the truck for when you go to those desolute areas you have SOME SORT of protection...Remember friend, I have seen some of those places!!!
    ShanRen

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